Michael Scott: The Man, The Mind, The Enigma
by ktface3
Summary: Elaborations on Michael's talking heads from the interviewer's POV... that poor woman. One for each episode; second season, first disc now up!
1. Pilot

_A/N: everyone knows Michael's talking heads are some of the best; he is completely ignorant and yet completely open to sharing his thoughts. So I started to think about the poor person who has to interview him and this story came to fruition. Claire is from my Milestones fic, and is slightly based off of me (I'm training to become a family therapist) and my boyfriend's cousin, who actually works as a psychologist on The Real World! I know, right? So jealous of that job._

_These chapters will be super-short (for all of you out there who have ADD) and will incorporate a real talking head into every chapter. And just to be clear, I don't own The Office or its characters. Wouldn't that be awesome though? Enjoy!_

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Claire had handled a lot of sad and disturbing cases in her career: ugly marriage disputes, child abuse and domestic violence, and had even been brought in as an expert witness in court cases concerning rape and sexual harassment. But all her years practicing therapy hadn't prepared her for what she was facing now.

She thought working on a television show would be exciting, especially those new reality shows that always seemed to create quite a buzz. The producers were especially impressed with her interviewing technique and the way she could build rapport so quickly; they knew her skills would be beneficial having already met the cast. She, however, had not had that pleasure.

Her first day was the first day of filming. She didn't mind being thrown right into the situation, and started out with the basics:

"So, uh, Michael Scott, you are the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton—"

Michael smirked, "Yesh."

Claire cleared her throat, "So, how would you describe your managing style?" He stared at her blankly, and so she elaborated, "Um, what do you think your employees think of you?"

"Oh!" Michael exclaimed as he leaned back in his chair, "People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious'…" Claire nodded, somewhat unsure of what exactly he was getting at. Sensing this, he continued with his explanation, "'And you get the best out of us.'" He picked up a mug that said 'world's best boss' and gave her a nod, "I think that pretty much sums it up… I found it at Spencer Gifts."

"You bought a mug for_yourself_ that says 'world's best boss'?"

Michael shrugged, "Sure, why not? _I_ know I'm the best boss, so why should I wait for an employee to think of getting me this?" Claire rested her chin in her hand as she pondered this logic. She looked to the cameraman for assurance that _she_ wasn't the one being irrational, but wanting to stay out of this, he kept his eye on the viewfinder and kept the tape rolling.

"Well usually, those kinds of gifts are bought for a boss by his or her employees, as a sign of respect and admiration—" Michael nodded his head in understanding. "So, if you bought that mug for yourself, it doesn't support your theory that people say you're 'the best boss'…" Again, she watched Michael's expression turned to a blank stare, and so she sighed in exasperation, "Okay, I didn't expect this to be so hard—"

"That's what she said!" Michael snorted through stifled laughter. "Oh man, I got you so bad!" Michael continued sniggering as Claire decided it would be best to move on to another interview.


	2. Diversity Day

Claire pulled Michael out into the main part of the office as his employees interacted with each other in the conference room pretending to be different races. She knew she was going to kick herself for asking, but her curiosity of Michael Scott was just too overwhelming for her own good. She just had know:

"Michael, why did you decide to be Martin Luther King Jr.?" she asked, pointing to the card on his forehead.

"Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine." Claire nodded apprehensively as she remembered Michael's other heroes: Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, Bono, and God. Michael continued, dragging her away from her thoughts: "There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it, but it's..."

"You seem to really enjoy Chris Rock," she commented offhandedly, the words of Michael's pevious impression of Chris Rock still replaying in her mind. "Is he a hero of yours?"

Michael rocked back and forth on his heels as he thought, "Uhh… yes and no. Yes, because he makes people laugh, and I make people laugh, so we have that in common… but he fills up theaters full of people, and I just have people here to laugh at my jokes, so one day, I'd like to be at his level…"

Claire leaned in, waiting for the second part of his answer, "And, 'no,' because…"

"Oh, because his jokes don't translate very well, apparently, because of…" He motioned to the 'diversity day' occurring in the conference room. "You need that universality of a joke… like, two Polacks were walking down a set of railway tracks. The first Polack said, 'I have never seen so many stairs in my life!' And the second one said, 'I know! But it's the low railing that's killing me…'" He fought back laughter as Claire's eyes widened. He then added with a grin, "Man, Polacks are stupid…" She decided then and there to never reveal to him that her maiden name was Jaworski.


	3. Health Care

Claire could feel the tension of the employees outside. They were upset that Dwight had been chosen to pick a new healthcare plan, they were doubtful that Michael had a surprise for them, and they were anxious for him to come out of his office and see if he'd fix things. She looked through her notes and asked the only thing she felt that she could, "So Michael, uh, your employees are waiting… what are you going to do about this whole healthcare plan?"

Michael thought for a moment, "Well, I think I'm going to blame the whole mess on Dwight—"

"But you delegated him with this duty, so won't the responsibility come back to you?"

"Yeah, but…" he paused, thinking about ways to get out of being blamed. "I will use my skills of quick thinking to divert their attention away from me. It's what I'm good at. When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See, I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles…"

"From, Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Michael grinned, "Yesh… Oh! Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting: 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm… Bork from Spork... Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo—"

"Michael," Claire sighed, "You realize Robin Williams has done a lot more than Mork and Mindy…"

"Well, yeah—" Michael stammered, a frown appearing on his face.

"He's done countless movies, both serious and comedic, he's done stand-up for decades—"

"Yeah yeah yeah." He scoffed. "But I still think I could take him."

Claire thought for a moment about just how delusional this man was, and then remembered her clinical training of not to judge but to empower. And at that point, she decided to empower Michael. "You know, at the local community center, they probably offer acting and improv classes… maybe you should think about taking a class…" He continued to frown at her, so she continued, "Cause you know, even the best comedians started out by taking classes…"

Michael sat back in his chair and thought about this for a moment. After some time, he leaned forward and extended his hand. Claire put her hand in his and he shook it determinedly. "I like that idea… I can put it on my resume afterward!"

"Exactly…" she glanced back out through the blinds at the workers standing around Michael's office. "What are you going to do right now?"

Michael sighed and got up from his desk, "I am just going to play it cool. Watch and learn Claire—" He walked past her and peeked out through the blinds. He then opened the door casually to address his employees. The scene eventually turned so dismal that Claire had to physically turn away from him.


	4. The Alliance

"So Michael, I see you're using a diversion tactic to get people's minds off of downsizing—"

Michael looked up from the card in his hands and stuttered, "What? Oh, uh.. yep! Yeppers. Here, let's—" he got up from his desk and moved to the chairs by the windows, with Claire and the cameraman adjusting accordingly. He pointed out to the main office, "Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this..." he held up the card he was looking at at his desk, "is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day." He chuckled to himself and opened the card, scanning the various well-wishes of his employees.

"Um, let's see. Jim… Jim wrote, 'Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.'" Claire watched the expression on his face, and noticed he looked more resentful than anything else. Perhaps he was mad he didn't think of that first. He commented to her, "Not bad, pretty funny… I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though…"

Claire rolled her eyes as Michael explained, "Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it." She nodded with some undetected skepticism as he continued, "I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know? It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, 'Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.'" He then doubled over in dry heaves, sickened with the thought of writing something that sappy.

"You don't think it would be a nice… change of pace for you to write something like that?"

"No!" Michael sneered. "I think that people would miss the charm and wit that I bring to their birthdays. It's the whole attitude of the laid-back, approachable boss, Claire. Man, you really don't understand this place at all, do you?"

"Not yet, apparently…" she sighed as she watched Michael look down at the birthday card, now lost in concentration.


	5. Basketball

Claire entered Michael's office and saw a coy smile upon the boss' lips. She took her seat, somewhat apprehensively, greeted Michael as the cameraman set up. Once he was rolling, she was finally able to ask, "Okay Michael, what is going on that you have a big smile on your face?"

"Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea." Claire nodded in understanding as he continued, "Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor." He stuttered in disbelief, "African-Americans!" and with that comment, Claire's nodding ceased, but Michael took no notice, "So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together."

"You play basketball every weekend?" she inquired.

Michael leaned back in his chair, "Oh yeah. You know, at the local park they have some courts and I just will get in on a game or two… It feels so good to just shoot around, make that three-pointer, ya know? And, when I am playing hoops, all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone."

Claire rifled through her notes, "You know Michael, this is the first time you've ever referred to your job as stressful… This basketball activity is an interesting outlet for you to have."

"I don't know if I'd call it an outlet…" he thought. "More like an escape, really. Like, when I am on the court, I just forget about… everything. Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing?" He paused and considered the answer to his question, "Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually."

"And you think that playing basketball is going to keep your branch from being downsized?" Claire asked, leaning in as she watched the wheels turning in Michael's head.

He stammered, "Uhh, well—no. But… you know, uh—endorphins! Endorphins will kick in, and then everyone will work much faster… because of the endorphins."

"Right…" Claire glanced at Dwight, writing on a large whiteboard at his desk and then turned back to Michael, "What's Dwight doing?"

"Oh, he's in charge of who comes in to work on Saturday."

"Would people have to come in on Saturday if you didn't spend today playing basketball?"

Michael rested his chin on his hand and finally responded, "Probably… not." Claire sighed, knowing this was a hopeless battle, and then signaled to the cameraman that the interview was definitely over.


	6. Hot Girl

Claire signaled to the cameraman to stop filming the purse girl packing up her merchandise and to come with her for Michael's interview. She knocked on the door softly, even though the door was open, and Michael looked up from being lost in great concentration.

"Oh. Hey Claire, come on in."

She situated herself in a chair with the cameraman right next to her and noticed the Starbucks digital barista was packed back up in its box, ready for the top salesman to take it home. She looked over at Michael, who looked anxious and downright sweaty. She cleared her throat as the camera began to roll, "So Michael, you are driving Katy home…"

Michael nodded his head as a smile formed on his lips.

"I know that Dwight also was pursuing her… Why do you think she's letting you take her home?"

"Well Claire…" Michael sighed. "I'm going to be very forward with you." She braced herself as Michael spoke, "I… am a ladies man. You'd never know it from the way I act, right?"

She laughed along, "Right…"

Michael elaborated, "That is because, I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power." Claire rolled her eyes. "And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face." He laughed as she subtly examined the symmetry of his face, not finding anything especially noteworthy about it. "I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know…"

"So, I guess if you're such a ladies man, you have a lot of ladies at your beck and call? Or maybe…" Claire felt like she was grasping at straws, "Maybe a special someone? Do you have anyone like that in your life, Michael?"

"Do I have a special someone?" Michael pondered what the correct answer could be, "Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em… My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every day stand, and I still know their names in the morning."

Claire frowned, "But, what does that mean… in terms of Katy?"

"Oh, Katy… well, I didn't pick up in a bar. I picked her up at work, which is kind of like picking up an employee at work… which is what I said I'd do if I had the choice." Michael's gaze suddenly went to outside his office, where he saw the purse girl leaving with Jim. "Whoops, there goes part of my carpool! I'll see you on Monday, Claire!" And with that, Michael was out the door in a flash, with the cameraman quickly following behind. Claire looked through her notes as she now sat alone in Michael's office, and then her cell phone rang. It was a producer on the line, telling her the show got picked up for a second season. Claire wondered if all the frustration was worth it.

* * *

_The show got picked up for a second season, but will this story? Let me know if you're enjoying this and I'll continue with them! Thanks loves!_


	7. The Dundies

_A/N: here's your next set of talking heads! I'm going to go by disc, so you'll get six or so for every new post. Enjoy!_

Claire entered Michael's office just as he was finishing up on the phone. He looked perturbed, but she was just too curious about what she had heard about just a few minutes earlier to leave him be, "So Michael, everyone seems to be talking about the characters you do at The Dundies…"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, they keep talking about one in particular… Ping?"

Michael laughed, "Oh, yeah, Ping is great. Here, watch—" He then pulled out a pair of plastic joke glasses and mussed up his hair, "Herro Cwaire, I am Ping, and I rrrove you!" Claire shifted in her seat uncomfortably and laughed nervously. "I jus got off da phone wif Jan Revinson Gourd, and she iz a ret branket and ron't ret us dwink, but she make me sooo howny!…"

Claire squinted her eyes, trying to make out what he had just said, "What was that?"

"She make—Ahh…" Michael waved her question off and put his glasses away, and then pulled out a green turban with a yellow feather in it, "Now, this is a little character I like to do…" He put the turban on his head, "It is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters…"

He put an envelope to his head and exhaled heavily, "Here we go: The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse." Claire watched as he tore open envelope and pulled out a card. He then read, "'Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.'" He smiled, but then when he realized Claire wasn't really laughing, he grew serious. "Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan, and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum… It'll be fine, I just, wish people were going to be drunk."

Claire nodded, now understanding what 'Ping' was trying to express, and then she responded to his concerns, "But Michael, people aren't drunk at work, and your jokes seem to make them laugh…" She added under her breath, "Kind of…"

"Yeah, but—" He thought for a moment, "My jokes would _kill_ if people were drunk, trust me. And… that can be my goal for tonight. To kill somebody."

"God speed Michael," she wished him luck, and then Jim knocked on the door. Claire excused herself outside and the cameraman moved so he could get both of them in the shot. She tried to busy herself with watching Dwight try to catch a peek into the ladies' room, but she couldn't help but overhear the words 'world's longest engagement' from the conversation going on in Michael's office. She knew she'd be in for a long night.


	8. Sexual Harassment

Claire walked in on Michael as Jan, Toby, and the corporate lawyer were leaving. She acknowledged them and sat down with a cameraman, and once he was situated, she asked, "So, are you in trouble Michael?"

"Oh Claire…" Michael sighed and shook his head, "I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management." Claire gave a smile as Michael relished in his pride. "They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say… Mo' money, mo' problems."

"Very true… So, does that mean you can't send anymore email forwards?" Claire had made the grave mistake of giving out her own email to him, and so she asked the question just as much for herself as she did for the sake of the interview.

Michael frowned, trying to remember exactly how Jan had phrased it, "She said, in this day and age, all formal communications with personnel should be professional, no matter how casual the branch is in person… Aka, a lot of legal corporate mumbo jumbo." He stuck out his tongue as if a bad taste was on his mouth.

Claire leaned in, ready to ask one of those questions she knew Michael would have a great response to. The producers affectionately called it a 'money question,' because he would always answer those kinds of questions in very unique ways that could be used for promos and boost ratings. Claire thought he just liked to hear the sound of his own voice. She inquired, "What do you think that means for you?"

"Well, I think it means that times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to." He smiled at her idiotically, and she frowned, unsure of whether to ask a follow-up question.

Her interest eventually got the best of her, "Like… literally?"

"Uh—" Michael stammered. "You know, if she's into that kind of thing, then maybe." Claire put her head in her hand and gave the signal to the cameraman to cut.


	9. Office Olympics

Michael had just gotten back from his condo closing, and Claire could see him looking at his shiny new set of keys through the blinds. She knocked on the door and he waved her in, and so she took her seat and reviewed her notes.

"So Michael, you were going to let Dwight rent a room from you, but you eventually 'revoked' the offer—"

"Yeah, you know, you try to do something nice for the guy, and he just worries me with all these concerns and responsibilities. I mean, fire insurance? How's the condo gonna catch on fire, from my George Forman grill?" Claire shrugged and he continued, "But ya know, it's all for the best. I'm going to probably get a girlfriend soon anyway, so I wouldn't want him there…"

"Yeah, that brings me to my next question," Claire told him. "Why did you ask about, 'all the hot people'?"

"Oh come on. Okay—" Michael rocked back and forth in his chair and eventually leaned in, ready to let her in on the secret, "There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then—you've no place to go but down."

Claire nodded in understanding and then asked, "So you think you'll end up dating someone in your condo development?"

Michael considered this for a moment and then nodded, "Yeah. I mean, I don't have a lot of chances to meet people. There's work, and improv class… but there's not much opportunity for anything else. But, if you hit on a girl, say, at a block party, the next morning you can just walk across the street back to your own home. Just like in college."

"Perfect," Claire humored him.


	10. The Fire

"Hey, Michael!" Claire called to him has he was walking around the side of the building, obviously looking bored and somewhat distraught. "Can we get an interview with you?"

"Ah, sure," he muttered, and so Claire set him up against the wall to the building and the cameras started rolling.

"So Michael, we saw you talking with Ryan about business school. Did you ever pursue business school?"

Michael squinted, the sun in his eyes, "Uh, no. I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So..." He tried to make a connection from the basketball players to himself, but failed. "So it's not the same thing. At all."

"But you did go to college—"

"Yep. Junior College. Got my associates degree in administration. But ya know, I think that experience is much more important than something you learn in a textbook." Claire nodded as he continued, "I will give you a perfect example: when I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe—lost it, in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me."

Claire gave him a look of confusion, "What about what Ryan was quizzing you on, just now?"

Michael brushed her off, "Oh well, that doesn't count, cause I barely retained what he told me."

She smirked and shook her head slightly, "Alright. Thanks Michael."


	11. Halloween

"Oh, this is so hard!" Michael groaned, and then added, "That's what she said," with a visible lack on enthusiasm. Claire looked down at her notes and noticed Michael wasn't anywhere near close to firing anyone, and the deadline to do so was drawing nearer and nearer.

"Michael, can we just review your day so far?" she asked.

"Sure."

"So you started your day by threatening to fire Sherri, Jan's assistant—"

"Uh, yep."

"And Pam…"

Michael thought for a moment, "Well, that was pretty much an empty threat. Can't fire the office babe—"

Claire continued, "Ok, and then you tried to pass the work off onto the accounting department—"

"Well—"

"And Dwight, who you also threatened, and so then he tried to fire Stanley—"

Michael clarified, "I never asked him to do that though. I love Stanley; he is my link to black society." She cringed and shook her head a bit, and then Michael spoke up, "And you know, Dwight ended up really screwing the pooch on the whole thing by not taking that job at Cumberland Mills—"

"But, he never got an offer, Michael—"

"Whatever. And then Jim just came in here and didn't take me asking for help seriously, so now I don't know what to do…" he sighed again, extremely distraught over the issue.

Claire smirked and leaned in, knowing she was about to ask one of her infamous money questions: "Michael, have you ever been hunting?"

"Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?" Upon this answer, she sat back in her chair and her smile only grew wider. Somehow she knew, just like in this situation, hunting would be something that Michael would drag out and complicate. She had definitely earned her paycheck this week.


	12. The Fight

Claire walked in on Michael, who was punching at the air like a boxer, and she sat down in her usual seat as the cameraman set himself up. She couldn't help but chuckle, "So, Michael—"

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?" Claire gave him a hesitant look and he laughed at her ignorance of movie quotes, "'Raging Bull.' Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work..." He then looked out the window and motioned to her and the camera, "Oh, oh check this out. Come here—"

Claire and the cameraman moved themselves around as Michael opened his blinds and peered down at Ryan in the parking lot: "There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious." He then got out his cell phone and dialed Ryan's number. The camera watched as Ryan saw who was calling and then chose not to answer.

They both exchanged an uneasy glance and then looked back at Michael, feeling awkward that he may have figured out that Ryan doesn't really like him. But instead, Michael just commented, "Oh, we're playing phone tag…"

"Michael, if someone sees you're calling and doesn't pick up, that's not…" Claire sighed, not having the guts to tell him the truth and hurt his feelings. "I'm sure he'll call you back soon," she finished her sentence, looking down at her shoes.

xxx

"Hi Ryan," Claire greeted him apprehensively as he sat down.

"Hey Claire."

She began to ask, "So um, we were with Michael when he made all those calls to you…"

"Oh yeah. Let's have a listen, shall we?" Ryan said in a sarcastic and annoyed tone of voice as he got out his cell phone and dialed his voicemail.

Claire listened as the voicemail message lady's voice came out of the receiver: "Seven new messages. First New Message: 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.'… Next new message: 'Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!'…" As she listened, all she felt she could do was shrug at him understandingly, knowing _exactly_ what he had to put up with.

_Hope you liked it! Let me know if you did by giving me a review!_


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